I'm in a dark mood tonight and for the life of me I can't seem to figure out why. I'm lost and wondering through the darkness looking for the light that will lead me to peaceful happiness. Nothing feels okay anymore, my mind just wont shut off I'm haunted by nightmares when I try and sleep and when I'm awake I'm alone with my thoughts that make me feel so isolated from everyone. I hate it, I feel like an asshole most of the time I don't understand what I do to piss some people off. I'm sorry I don't mean to offend it never was my intentions. I'm just so messed up in my head, I don't think many people understand what I mean when I say that.
It's like somewhere down the road I started out on I took a turn into a dark alley that I can't seem to find my way out of, no matter how hard I try I can't find my way to the road I was on earlier. I guess I just gotta keep walking till I find my way out of this darkness that I call my life. I hope the light at the end of the road will show up soon, because I'm running out of cigarettes.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The First Time
She had me from the start, from the moment I walked through the door of 1st period math and saw her standing there. My breath caught and I thought to myself wow she was absolutely beautiful and I knew that I would have no chance with a girl like her. You see I was the short funny kid who didn't say much of anything to anyone except to crack a joke. I guess I was just really shy and lacked self confidence. Anyways, the teacher choose to have her sit next to me and I was nervous to say the least. Come on! I was a shy little freshman, and she looked like a beauty queen. I talked to her every now and again managed to even make her laugh, I was proud of myself. Since she was the new girl in school it gave me the shot to make a good impression on her so I tried my best.
It turned out that I'd also have another class with this girl, English, and I remember one day in particular that managed to stick itself in my memory for good. I was feeling confident, it was a good day and I was in a good mood so I thought fuck it lets give it a shot. She was sitting on a couch lookin' a little bored because we where putting together Romeo and Juliet skits and since she came in late she didn't have to do much. I walked over and sat down next to her and we started to talk and me being the smooth kid I am tried to flirt with her and to this day I don't know what she saw in me but hell I'm glad she did. As I tried to attempt to flirt with this beautiful girl, that wouldn't leave me head since the first time I saw her, one of the girls in my group who also happened to be one of my good friends at the time took the liberty to walk over to where we were sitting and take me by the ear and say "Stop flirting with her and help us!" Thanks so very much! It's good to have friends.. right? I was pretty embarrassed and she was laughing at us which didn't help that much either but whatever! It happens!
We kept talking though and actually became pretty good friends, but with as my luck runs she had a boyfriend at the time so I had to too be happy with "Just Friends". Cool. The year ended and we had summer school english together it was at some other high school so we had time to talk to each other. After the first week her and her boyfriend where talking about breaking up and I managed to choke out that I liked her and what do ya know! She liked me too! Needless to say I was pretty fucking happy, but being the dumb ass that I am I ended it before anything could happen and I still can't remember a reason as to why I'd do that. So we stopped talking for the rest of the summer she went her way I went the other. It wasn't until the next year that I apologized for being such an ass and she forgave me for it! So, we started talking again and hanging out occasionally but would you believe it? She had another boyfriend. I've got great timing with this shit, huh? I didn't give up though, I kept at it, I kept talking to her and eventually her and her boyfriend, again, where having problems. So, I took the liberty to be the shoulder she could cry on and talk to about it. Eventually she told me she still had feelings for me and I told her the same. I stole her from her boyfriend and I didn't and still don't regret doing it because she had an impact on me, she was the first girl that I'd come to say I loved.
We dated and I spent every waking minute with her or her and her family or her and out friends. It was amazing, she was the first steady girlfriend I had and I was really happy with her. Like every couple we had our problems but we managed to get through them and stay together. It still wasn't meant to be at least not then, we broke up and moved on we where still friends but not the best anymore. We bounced back in fourth for the longest time on whether or not we should get back together again but something kept telling me it wasn't going to work out so I pushed her farther away and stayed with the girl I was currently with up until I moved. Me and her still talk from time to time and it surprises me how much she still comes into my thoughts, it's good to know I have a friend like her out there though someone who I know cares about me. I care about her too, her family and her where like the family I had wanted for a long time but never had. Of course I knew none of that when I walked through the door of 1st period math, all I knew was that that girl was Amber Cortland and damn was she beautiful.
It turned out that I'd also have another class with this girl, English, and I remember one day in particular that managed to stick itself in my memory for good. I was feeling confident, it was a good day and I was in a good mood so I thought fuck it lets give it a shot. She was sitting on a couch lookin' a little bored because we where putting together Romeo and Juliet skits and since she came in late she didn't have to do much. I walked over and sat down next to her and we started to talk and me being the smooth kid I am tried to flirt with her and to this day I don't know what she saw in me but hell I'm glad she did. As I tried to attempt to flirt with this beautiful girl, that wouldn't leave me head since the first time I saw her, one of the girls in my group who also happened to be one of my good friends at the time took the liberty to walk over to where we were sitting and take me by the ear and say "Stop flirting with her and help us!" Thanks so very much! It's good to have friends.. right? I was pretty embarrassed and she was laughing at us which didn't help that much either but whatever! It happens!
We kept talking though and actually became pretty good friends, but with as my luck runs she had a boyfriend at the time so I had to too be happy with "Just Friends". Cool. The year ended and we had summer school english together it was at some other high school so we had time to talk to each other. After the first week her and her boyfriend where talking about breaking up and I managed to choke out that I liked her and what do ya know! She liked me too! Needless to say I was pretty fucking happy, but being the dumb ass that I am I ended it before anything could happen and I still can't remember a reason as to why I'd do that. So we stopped talking for the rest of the summer she went her way I went the other. It wasn't until the next year that I apologized for being such an ass and she forgave me for it! So, we started talking again and hanging out occasionally but would you believe it? She had another boyfriend. I've got great timing with this shit, huh? I didn't give up though, I kept at it, I kept talking to her and eventually her and her boyfriend, again, where having problems. So, I took the liberty to be the shoulder she could cry on and talk to about it. Eventually she told me she still had feelings for me and I told her the same. I stole her from her boyfriend and I didn't and still don't regret doing it because she had an impact on me, she was the first girl that I'd come to say I loved.
We dated and I spent every waking minute with her or her and her family or her and out friends. It was amazing, she was the first steady girlfriend I had and I was really happy with her. Like every couple we had our problems but we managed to get through them and stay together. It still wasn't meant to be at least not then, we broke up and moved on we where still friends but not the best anymore. We bounced back in fourth for the longest time on whether or not we should get back together again but something kept telling me it wasn't going to work out so I pushed her farther away and stayed with the girl I was currently with up until I moved. Me and her still talk from time to time and it surprises me how much she still comes into my thoughts, it's good to know I have a friend like her out there though someone who I know cares about me. I care about her too, her family and her where like the family I had wanted for a long time but never had. Of course I knew none of that when I walked through the door of 1st period math, all I knew was that that girl was Amber Cortland and damn was she beautiful.
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