Chapter 1: A Dream

"This is your fault...”

That's the last thing I remember before my eyes open each morning. It's about the only thing I remember, it's been the same dream for a while now and as I lay here in bed I wonder when it'll end. I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing. In, out, in, out. It takes my mind away from the dream, allows me to focus on the present. I take one more long deep breath before I sit up and open my eyes. I look around my room and there’s not much to see, there's my bed, a dresser and oh yeah me. Pretty empty little room but moving into a cheap little apartment with two roommates’ kind of leaves no room for personal stuff. Still, as I sit there on my bed I think to myself,

It's better than where you were at before.

Which in away is true, sure back with my "family" I had money and a nice place to live but hell, spending one more minute with them I would of seriously lost my mind. So, the day I turned eighteen I packed up and left, moved out to this apartment in California.

I sit there with my head in my hands, and in the back of my mind I hear the whisper of her voice

"This is your fault...”

I know what she means, after all it is my fault I dug this grave for myself, and it runs deep. I didn't set out to hurt anyone or get hurt myself, I tried to make the best out of everything that happened but I'm only human. After what happened... How could I face them again? Any of them... so I ran, I cut contact from them all and buried myself in self-loathing and hatred. I felt like I owed them something. A debt that I could never repay, after all it's my fault he's dead.

Let me tell you my story, and hopefully you'll understand. I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'm not asking for your sympathy, no I'm asking that you just understand.

Turn the clock back two years. Sixteen and thought I was on top of the world. Ryan, one of my oldest friends and one of the best people I’ve met in my life. Shit, He was a more like an older brother to me than my real brother. God the trouble me and that kid used to get into, we just didn't know when to stop. Back then we thought that if you can get away with something once, why not twice? Three times? God we were stupid. We started lifting cars and selling them to a local chop shop. It paid good enough money and when you’re a poor kid growing up in a bad neighborhood, on the wrong side of town, you need money.

It was alright at first, stealing old beaters and getting maybe a couple hundred for them hell it was easy money and kept the drugs coming. It wasn't till we got cocky that everything started to go downhill. We started moving up, wanting more and more money for newer and newer cars. We we're just stupid teenagers! We thought nothing could touch us, God were we wrong.

"This is your fault...”

"It's now or never little brother, you ready?"

"Yeah I'm ready; let’s just get this over with." I whispered back. This was our first jack we had it all laid out, we had a plan for what we'd do after we got the car and what we'd do if it all went south. We'd watched the car for several days, it was an old, beat up, black, Dodge Charger parked on the side of the street in front of some old rundown apartment complexes it probably was some drug dealer’s car so we really didn't care about who we screwed over tonight as long as it wasn't ourselves. Ryan was the driver and I was the lookout, made sure no one got the drop on us.

We ran out from behind a pair of shrubs. It was a warm night and a dark one too; the surrounding street was pitch black except for the occasional street light. I kept my eyes on the apartments looking for any sign that someone knew we were out there; I had a bad feeling this wasn’t going to be as easy as we thought. I glanced around us as Ryan pulled out a wire hanger and slipped it in between the door paneling and the window on the driver’s side trying to catch the hook on the lock.

"Got it" breathed Ryan “get in." As he pulled his door open and jumped in starting work on the steering column. I started to move around the car to the passenger side when I thought I heard something, I stopped dead my heart caught up in my throat and listened. "Shh! shut it up for a second!" I whispered harshly at Ryan. He looked up at me giving me a 'what the hell' expression. I strained to hear something, glancing up and down the street all I could see was the occasional car illuminated by the street lamp and black a lot of black. That’s when I noticed the light flip on inside one of the second floor apartments in front of us.

"Shit, hurry it up; we got to get out of here."

"I'm hurrying! This is a first for me too yeah know." Ryan whispered harshly back.

“I know, I know but we might have some company here in a minute.” Just as the words left my lips a silhouette of a man stepped out from the door way illuminated by the light from inside his apartment. “Fuck, make that a couple seconds” I whispered.

“Hey! What the fuck are you doing to my car!?” the man yelled and started moving fast towards the stairs leading down to the courtyard below.

“I’ll stall him, just get this done.”

 “I’m going, I’m going” whispered Ryan.

I got out and jogged to the side of doorway leading into the dark courtyard and waited for the man to come running out. The adrenaline was pumping through my system and I couldn’t stop shaking my leg no matter how hard I tried. “Come on, Come on.” I whispered to myself. He came darting around the corner and started running towards the car, and I ran towards him.

“Hey, get the hell out of there!” He yelled as he closed the distance towards his car, the guy was pissed who could blame him after all he was getting his car jacked. I reached him right before he made it to the car, slamming into his side. We rolled to the ground and he managed to kick me off as I rolled to one side I used my momentum to jump back to my feet and start moving towards him. As he was crawling to his feet I threw a hard kick to his ribs and was rewarded with a satisfying thump. He doubled over on his side and as I went to throw another kick, he wrapped his arms around my leg and rolled using my momentum to bring me down. He moved faster than I expected and was on top of me before I knew it. That’s when he started to let me have it, letting off hard right jabs to my nose and eye before I managed to throw my arms up to block his punches. When he threw his next punch I grabbed for his arm but missed and was rewarded by another satisfying crack to my eye. When he shot of another hit I got luck and managed to grab his forearm and pull him down into a right jab to his temple. As my fist connected I rolled my hips to my left and flipped him on to his back.

I had him now I remembered everything my older brother taught me, at least his beatings as a kid taught me how to fight. My instincts took over as I throw two hard punches back to back into his nose; I felt it break under my knuckles. I figured by the blood coming from his nose he’d had enough I started to get off of him, I took a glance towards the car and was about to ask Ryan how it was going went I felt a fist land in my gut knocking the wind out of me I rolled to the ground clutching my stomach, that hurt.

“Ughh..” I let out a groan as I watched the man slowly get to his feet. I knew I had to get up, I had to do something. He started moving towards the driver’s side of the car. I caught my breath and got to my fight, he was in the street by the time I closed the distance and tackled him to the pavement. I heard a hard crack as his head smacked into the concrete and he stopped moving. I got up panting and look at Ryan.

“Ryan I don’t know how long he’s gonna be out tell me your almost done over there.”

“Another couple minutes tops, get back in”

I jumped back in the car and two long minutes later the engine roared to life the sound practically made me jump straight into the back of the car, I was still on edge from the fight. Ryan threw it in gear and hit the gas speeding down the street once we were a good ten minutes away we slowed down and I started breathing again, “Holy hell, bro. That was fucking crazy! I can’t believe we did it" I exclaimed.

Ryan just started laughing and took a glance at me. "What? You didn't have faith in me? I'm just messin' with you, man. Jesus, I practically shit myself when that guy came running out, way to handle yourself though little bro. You scared the shit out of me when he got you on your back I almost jumped out to help you." Ryan said between laughing.

I don't remember a time that I ever felt more alive than that night. A smile was stuck to my face and together Ryan and I drove straight to Oakland to cash in on our night of work. We had just entered the game and it seemed, at the time, the best idea we ever had.

We pulled into what looked like the most ghetto auto mechanics place I've ever seen. The sign above the one garage door was rusted and falling apart, in red paint was written Lou's Garage underneath that was you break it we fix it.

"You sure this is the place?" I asked as we parked the car on the side of the street. 

"Yeah this is the address Danny gave me he said to ask for a Lou, tell him Dan sent you." 

We got out and started crossing the parking lot to the side door on the right of the garage. We were half way there when the door opened to show a big guy with a goatee and mean star in oil stained one piece jumpsuit with Jesse written above his heart. "What ya'll kids doin' here" he yelled to us. We slowed to a stop and Ryan light up a cigarette. 

I called over “We’re looking for a guy name Lou! Dan sent us!"

He let out a grunted and walked back inside. Once he left the door frame we caught a glimpse inside all we could see where two other guys, a Mexican and skinny Black guy both couldn't be more than twenty. One was holding a gun, that’s when I started to sweat a little but I trusted Danny and if he said these guys where straight then I believed him. 

"Hey give me some of that" I said to Ryan. He passed me his stogie and I took a nice long drag letting the smoke fill my lungs before I blew it out my nostrils. It took of some of the edge and I started to relax a bit. 

"How much longer do ya thi--" Ryan cut off his sentence as a guy with a noticeable limped stepped through the door and started walking toward us. Once he was about eight feet away he let out a sigh and said " The names Lou, what can I do fer ya?" 

“We’re friends of Dan, I’m Jake and this is Ryan, he said to come to you with the kind of um... business we’re looking for.” I said as I point over my shoulder towards the car we pulled up in.

“Huh, mmk lets have look n’ see if we can’t strike up some sort of agreement.” Lou started for the Dodge with Ryan and I following closely behind. I took the last pull off my cig and flicked it into the gutter.

Lou walked around the car slowly, rubbing his hand along the side. “This is yer lucky day fellas. That is if all checks out good underneath this here hood.” He popped and lifted open the hood to inspect the engine and whatever else is under there. After he was done he slammed it shut and said “Fifteen hundred, cash, what do ya say?”

I took a quick glance at Ryan, who did the same, when I looked back I met Lou’s eyes I said “Hell yeah, we do.”

“Great bring the car up to the garage. Jesse n’ Ernie will take it from there. I’ll get your cash from the office.” Lou started to shuffle off towards the side door of his garage. Ryan brought the car around to the garage and I walked up towards the building to collect our pay.

“Here ya go.” Ryan said as he got out of the still running Dodge to come stand next to me. He lit up another smoke. Two minutes later Lou came out with an orange envelop packed with cash.

“Nice doin’ business which ya boys” Lou said as he handed over the money “Ya’ll be careful now.” With that he turned and hobbled back inside and shut the door. I shoved the money in my sweatshirt pocket, turned and walked away.

“Whoa! That was easier than I thought! Jesus Jake we actually pulled it off! I can’t fuckin’ believe it man!” exclaimed Ryan as he threw his arm around my shoulders. “Yeah know little brother I think we might have just found our calling.”

“Ryan, give Charlie a call tell him to come get our asses.” 

“Okay, okay hold on let me finish my smoke. You want one?” Ryan asked throwing his pack to me while he sat down on a curb. I pulled one out and lit it savoring the taste and burns of the smoke traveling down my throat into my lungs and back out again. It truly is relaxing, even if it is slowly killing me. Whatever, we’re all going to die sometime.

It was around 4 a.m. by the time we got back home. Charlie asked us a ton of questions but Ryan and I were too tired to talk about it at the time and told him we’d tell him it all tomorrow after we knocked back a couple hours of sleep. He understood and let us nod off in the car, I remember thinking to myself how easy this will be as long as we play it smart.

Morning, god I hate mornings It’s the time of the day that your body starts to feel everything that happened the night before and damn was I feeling it this morning. I looked like shit and felt even worse the guy from last night had really done a number on my face. I took several Advil threw on my jeans and walked out of my room towards the living room, I lived in a small, ordinary house. Brown carpets, white walls and cheap linoleum floors that were starting to peel back. I walked out the front door to have a smoke 

Pain

I'm in a dark mood tonight and for the life of me I can't seem to figure out why. I'm lost and wondering through the darkness looking for the light that will lead me to peaceful happiness. Nothing feels okay anymore, my mind just wont shut off I'm haunted by nightmares when I try and sleep and when I'm awake I'm alone with my thoughts that make me feel so isolated from everyone. I hate it, I feel like an asshole most of the time I don't understand what I do to piss some people off. I'm sorry I don't mean to offend it never was my intentions. I'm just so messed up in my head, I don't think many people understand what I mean when I say that.

It's like somewhere down the road I started out on I took a turn into a dark alley that I can't seem to find my way out of, no matter how hard I try I can't find my way to the road I was on earlier. I guess I just gotta keep walking till I find my way out of this darkness that I call my life. I hope the light at the end of the road will show up soon, because I'm running out of cigarettes.

The First Time

She had me from the start, from the moment I walked through the door of 1st period math and saw her standing there. My breath caught and I thought to myself  wow she was absolutely beautiful and I knew that I would have no chance with a girl like her. You see I was the short funny kid who didn't say much of anything to anyone except to crack a joke. I guess I was just really shy and lacked self confidence. Anyways, the teacher choose to have her sit next to me and I was nervous to say the least. Come on! I was a shy little freshman, and she looked like a beauty queen. I talked to her every now and again managed to even make her laugh, I was proud of myself. Since she was the new girl in school it gave me the shot to make a good impression on her so I tried my best.

It turned out that I'd also have another class with this girl, English, and I remember one day in particular that managed to stick itself in my memory for good. I was feeling confident, it was a good day and I was in a good mood so I thought fuck it lets give it a shot. She was sitting on a couch lookin' a little bored because we where putting together Romeo and Juliet skits and since she came in late she didn't have to do much. I walked over and sat down next to her and we started to talk and me being the smooth kid I am tried to flirt with her and to this day I don't know what she saw in me but hell I'm glad she did. As I tried to attempt to flirt with this beautiful girl, that wouldn't leave me head since the first time I saw her, one of the girls in my group who also happened to be one of my good friends at the time took the liberty to walk over to where we were sitting and take me by the ear and say "Stop flirting with her and help us!" Thanks so very much! It's good to have friends.. right? I was pretty embarrassed and she was laughing at us which didn't help that much either but whatever! It happens!

We kept talking though and actually became pretty good friends, but with as my luck runs she had a boyfriend at the time so I had to too be happy with "Just Friends". Cool. The year ended and we had summer school english together it was at some other high school so we had time to talk to each other. After the first week her and her boyfriend where talking about breaking up and I managed to choke out that I liked her and what do ya know! She liked me too! Needless to say I was pretty fucking happy, but being the dumb ass that I am I ended it before anything could happen and I still can't remember a reason as to why I'd do that. So we stopped talking for the rest of the summer she went her way I went the other. It wasn't until the next year that I apologized for being such an ass and she forgave me for it! So, we started talking again and hanging out occasionally but would you believe it? She had another boyfriend. I've got great timing with this shit, huh? I didn't give up though, I kept at it, I kept talking to her and eventually her and her boyfriend, again, where having problems. So, I took the liberty to be the shoulder she could cry on and talk to about it. Eventually she told me she still had feelings for me and I told her the same. I stole her from her boyfriend and I didn't and still don't regret doing it because she had an impact on me, she was the first girl that I'd come to say I loved.

We dated and I spent every waking minute with her or her and her family or her and out friends. It was amazing, she was the first steady girlfriend I had and I was really happy with her. Like every couple we had our problems but we managed to get through them and stay together. It still wasn't meant to be at least not then, we broke up and moved on we where still friends but not the best anymore. We bounced back in fourth for the longest time on whether or not we should get back together again but something kept telling me it wasn't going to work out so I pushed her farther away and stayed with the girl I was currently with up until I moved. Me and her still talk from time to time and it surprises me how much she still comes into my thoughts, it's good to know I have a friend like her out there though someone who I know cares about me. I care about her too, her family and her where like the family I had wanted for a long time but never had. Of course I knew none of that when I walked through the door of 1st period math, all I knew was that that girl was Amber Cortland and damn was she beautiful.

Me, Myself, and I (Part 2)

Well apparently the first part of this post was one of my topped viewed, who knew? So I guess I'll finish this story of mine. Life moved on for me I spent my time in isolation reading, running or keeping my body in shape. I'd quit smoking and was doing really well physically so that gave me something to be proud of. I started school. At first I was nervous being the new kid and all it was an experience I had never had up till that point. Day one I just got up got dressed and was off to interact with my new peers. It wasn't so bad I stayed to the back ground and talked only when I needed too I kept my head phones in and my head down. I had a class I loved tho the teacher was actually an intelligent one, someone I could debate with and through my ideas at, I soon realized I was one of the only people who actually understood what the man was saying and at the time I thought I was the only one who fully grasped that. About two weeks into this school year I payed witness to this stoner named B, he was a funny kid and I obviously could tell the guy was high so I talked to him. At first I scared him, later on he told me he thought I was a cop haha. I finally found a connection to the one thing that could keep me sane so I kept at it and made sure the kid new I was chill. After a week or two I got in pretty good with that group, the stoners cause after all I was one of them. It was there I met one of my best friends, K, in this place I call hell, to others its know as Logan. This kid and I had a lot of the same interests and thoughts on a lot of things I could tell he was on my level of thinking so he turned into one of the kids I could actually hold an intellectual conversation with no matter the topic. It's funny cause the others of our group would get annoyed cause we would start debates over the smallest topic that would eventually blossom into a real world ideal and go on from there till one of us either submitted defeat or everyone else told us to shut up. I wasn't totally alone anymore! I had friends people I could hang out with, laugh with, shoot the shit with, and someone who I could talk to about important thoughts that ran through my head like religion, politics, government, and philosophical ideals. K and I didn't know it yet but this was the start of a friendship that would soon turn into brotherhood.

The weeks turned to months and time slowly passed me by, sure I was still hung up over my life in California but I was at least being distracted by it for the moment. That helped me build the wall in my mind between myself and my feelings. Sure I'd get the occasional flashback to times passed but I'd handle that in due time through tears shed in my room at night where others couldn't see. The only thing that bothered me at that moment was not having a girl in my life so I started focusing my attention on the ladies in this town I lived in. I started going to parties and broadening my connections of friends and people I knew. After I fixed that small problem and managed to open the doors to the lovely ladies I've meet things got even more easier and bearable. The thoughts of home became less and less but always still there, that dream of going home back to everyone I've known my whole life, I'll never let go of that dream. Soon another intellectual crossed my path, A, at first I didn't know he'd come to be one of my close friends I didn't even know if I'd like the guy. It wasn't till he walked up to K and I having a debate on religion and instead of walking away or trying to change the subject he throw in his points on the topic!! It was great, K and I thought we were alone in our thoughts on a lot but the more and more we talked to A we realized he was exactly like us in a lot of ways. It was a refreshing change to not be so alone in my head anymore I had two people I could talk to about anything on my mind and they'd give me advice or feedback on it, depending on what the topic was. A and me have a passion for music, not just listening to it but writing it and singing it we love to do it and that quickly struck up a bond between us that would bring me another friend that I could call my brother.

To Hell With This!

I dropped out of high school today, to be honest I'm a little worried but fuck it I know I'm going to be fine. I'm not gonna be totally stupid though I'm gonna get my GED and probably go to a community college. I look at this as time that I can now write my book with. I can get more important things done like my hours and get a job, save up some money to move back to California. It's not gonna be to bad I think the most I'm worried about is all the free time that's gonna be on my hands now haha. Whatever, I need to start my book I have the whole idea mapped out and I know what it's gonna be about I just need to actually start writing and until now I just haven't had the time.

I just wished more people believed in me honestly it'd make all this a lot easier especially if I had my parents at least backing me on my decision. Screw it. They'll eat their words soon enough, they'll regret when the said I couldn't follow my dream and become the writer I know I can be. I honestly can't wait to move on with my life I'm sick of high school I'm ready for college where maybe I can actually be challenged by the academics provided. That's why I never went to school it's not cause it was hard or cause I was anti-social it's because it was way to easy for me and I got most everything a teacher taught the second they taught it. I got bored of sitting in a class for a week hearing the same lesson over and over again so I stopped going, can you blame me?

I've practically gotten what I've been craving for son long now. Independence. I don't have any obligations except for the ones that I set for myself, like my book. Ahh my book, people are gonna remember me by my writings that's what I'm excited for few things last as longer then the written word. True statement. Writing is what I want to do with my life ever since middle school I've been told I'm a good writer, it comes to me naturally so why not do what I'm good at? Sure at first it's gonna be hard to do but I know if I just keep at it I can do it. I'm not only gonna write fiction books either I plan on writing informational books on religion and philosophy as well even tho I don't have a degree in philosophy I still understand it and it interests me, so I'll write about it god damn it! Even if those don't get published I know my fictional stories will, I've written enough short stories to know that I can keep a reader hooked with my stories. The only thing that I failed with short stories was being able to end it within 2-3 pages I always wanted to keep writing. I guess I'm not all to worried I know I'm gonna be fine with the path I've chosen to take so it's only a matter of time till I get to say "SUCK IT!" to everyone who said I couldn't do it.

For the Dreamers Like Me.

I dream of better days then the ones that I'm stuck in at the moment, The days where I'm reunited with who I use to be. The days where you can look yourself in the mirror and say your proud of everything you've accomplished in your life. I dream for the people who are like me, the ones who sit at night and cry and ask god "why? Why does this have to happen to me?" I dream for the people who are lost in life and not sure where to turn next or why they're even trying to find their way anymore. I dream for the ones who grew up in a place where their lullaby was police sirens and gunshots. I dream for everyone who's ever had to deal with heart ache, depression, drug addiction, death, strife, unlawfulness, and people constantly telling you your not good enough or smart enough, or strong enough, or pretty enough to do the things you dream to do with you life. I dream because I know how you feel I've grown up with that lullaby, I've dealt with the addictions, the pain and strife that comes with life, the people telling you, you can't.

Your not alone out there your not the only one with these problems and feelings. I write this to let you know that you have people to lean on whether you know it or not. Life's filled with it's ups and downs. Some are worse than others but even if the downs seem to horrible to bare then tell someone you trust cause believe it or not you don't have to shoulder these burdens alone. No matter how bad life seems at the moment don't give up because you never know whats around the corner, you never know where your life's going next. You could be someone great, to a lot of people or to just someone who really needs you. Either way that gives your life meaning because YOU affected someone, YOU where remembered, YOU made a difference. Whether it be as small and impact as listening to a friend as they cry, or as big as writing a book or song that effect many peoples lives and helped them get through the darkest hours of life we all have. That's something right there, so why give up and stop trying when you could make a difference to someone?

Come on people lend a hand to your neighbor, when you see someone who's breaking down why not just ask if their okay? Even if they don't tell you it meant something to them because it should someone cared enough to try and give them a hand. Why not ask for help? It doesn't mean your weak because there's gonna be times in life where trying to shoulder your pain and burden alone will be too much weight for you to carry alone. Even if it doesn't feel like it someone out there cares about you, someone out there will shed a tear for you, someone out there has your back. Don't give up on yourself or others because there's always a light at then end of the tunnel it seems like hell now but that wont last forever. Nothings is forever, good and bad, the moments in time always pass all you can do is keep pushing forward till the good times happen more often then the bad.

For Her

You asked me earlier to write something about you so here it goes.
I know your going through a lot right now, I understand if my words don't help much but honestly it's the only thing I can think of doing to help you. Your an amazing, beautiful, kind, sweet person that doesn't deserve the things that are happening to you. When you needed someone to stand by you, I let you down and words can't express how disappointed in myself I am. Even if you don't believe this I do care about you, a lot more than I probably should. Your strong enough to get through all of this, I know you are and if you need someone to lean on I swear I'll never let you down again. No matter what happens, if your right or if your wrong, I'll stand next to you. I'm starting to fall for you I can't help it, I just am and I don't mind it because I'd be lucky to have a girl like you in my life, let alone being mine. All I can say is people are assholes and they'll try and break you down but you can't let them girl your to good for it, your too good for them. Hell your to good for me even.

You listened to me and managed to cheer me up when I thought that no one could be able to and I'm so thankful for that. How do I repay you for that? By being an asshole and letting what happened tonight happen and not even take your side on it. I'm so sorry, if I could turn back the hands of time and stop this all from even happening I would do it in an instant for you. I would do almost anything to make you smile and take even a fraction of the pain you feel away. You deserve better than this, you deserve to be happy because your an amazing friend, a great mother, a kind soul, and a beautiful girl. I want you to be happy, I want you to not have to go through the things your going through and I definitely want to make it easier on you in anyway possible. I'm here for you 24/7, just a message or a phone call away. I swear that in the future I'll try to keep events like tonight from happening ever again and if they do no matter what it costs me I'll stand by you because I truly care about you. It's been a long time since I've meet someone who makes me feel this way but you do. Again, I fucked it up, I just hope it's not to late for me to fix the mistake I made. I Love You. I beg for another shot to prove that too you..

Me, Myself, and I (Part 1)

So, I was given the idea to write about myself, my problems and my thoughts on them so why not? Anyways, I might as well start from the beginning, which for me is the beginning of the summer of this year. See, I had it going really good, I had an amazing girlfriend and the best friends a guy could ask for. I had been having a rough year and it was actually starting to get better. I was happy with myself and my life I didn't ask for any change but well it happened. After the amazing summer I was having was coming to a close I was forced to leave my life and move to a small town called Logan in the state of Utah. I tried to have a positive outlook on this whole experience but who was I kidding? I lost it all. Everything I knew and loved and cared about and it felt like it happened over night. My girlfriend and I said we were gonna keep our relationship together but I knew deep down it wasn't going to happen.

Day one in Logan, I managed to keep it together for the whole day with only a little thoughts on the past life I left behind me.(Thank god for weed.) It wasn't until the night that it all really hit me hard. I'm not afraid to admit I cried because shit, it was a lot to handle and I've never been good at dealing with my emotions anyways I always felt to strong I guess you could say. I never let my parents know tho because I couldn't they were trying their best to make this as easy as possible on me and well the last thing they need was me being miserable around them. So, as always I put on a smile and tried my best to act 'happy'. The only time I let it show was at night, alone in my room. Then their was the problem of not knowing anyone and since school wasn't in session I had about two weeks of isolation. To help cope with my pain and thoughts I ran regularly, sometimes for hours on end. I'd run and work my muscles until I literally couldn't move afterward my body would hurt so much. It was only then that my mind was truly at peace because well I was to focused on the pain.

Then after the second week of being here the event I knew was coming, arrived. The girl I loved left me, I can't blame her for it because well it was inevitable, long distant doesn't work. It wasn't until she started dating my best friend did I really get emotionally fucked up. Once again I couldn't blame either of them, for I knew they liked each other and I wanted them to be happy because I loved them both and I still do. See my friend had been having a hard time in the relationship department and he really need her and she deserved someone better than me so who am I to stand in the way of their happiness? It was then that I decided to detach myself from my emotions because honestly closing that door was easier then leaving it open and dealing with the pain. Ever since than I've been an emotionally cripple so to speak. Part of me is okay with this, the other part hates it because I use to be so in-tap with my emotions but now I'm not and that's really weird for me it's made me in to a completely different person. I guess I'm just waiting for a girl that gives me a reason to open myself up again. I just fear that I'll never find her.

Life and Death

Life. It's a miracle and a curse all within it self. To be alive is a great an amazing experience that I for one am glad we have but it also is a terrible, dark and fucked up thing as well. No one really wants to die, except the people who have given up on themselves and have discovered that their life really isn't worth living any more. We all have self preservation, some more than others, now a suicidal person is someone who is willing to take their life into their own hands and make the decision as to whether they want to keep going on or just say fuck it and give up. I've been in those shoes and I for one decided to keep going because I'm a curious human being and want to know what's lying ahead for me in my life. This doesn't mean I haven't tried to end my life, quite the contrary. I've, by medical standards, been pronounced dead. In my opinion this gives me the stance to talk about this, because I've been there. Now this is probably one of the most frighting and defining moments in my life, because when I 'came back' so to speak all I could remember about the time I spent dead was black, black, black. No out of body experiences, no white lights or gods or even hell, just nothing. That moment of true clarity was the moment I decided to make my life mean something in my eyes and others. To not worry about organized religion or anything that has the potential to stop me from living my life to the fullest extent and being able to change something, no matter how small it is.

Death. This is an even trickery subject to talk about because no one truly knows what it means. Do we go on to something else after death? Or do we just cease to exist? I hope that there's something else, I can't wrap my head around the idea that after I die I'm just gone. I don't think that my thought process would just disappear it just doesn't make sense to me. I can see why others might think that tho, because by looking at the facts of life and evolution we really just happened. The conditions we're right so life was created on this planet we call Earth. We adapted, evolved and survived as a species long enough to make it this far. To have not only the intellect but the free time to question things like if there is a God, or an afterlife, or anything that doesn't deal with the next time we're gonna eat or find the basic resources we need to survive. Anyways I strayed from the topic at hand a bit, death is a scary thought if you look at it wrong or can't come to terms with the fact that it is totally possible for both theories to occur upon death. In my mind I've accepted that fact and choose to not worry about it until death becomes a very real outcome in my life. I suggest you do the same, focus on the now the people around you, your friends, family, lovers, passions and everything that has meaning to you. Honestly the time we have here is short and I for one choose not to waste mine with petty rules that could mean nothing at all. Go out and try something you've never tried before, experience things you've yet to have the pleasure too and just live life like how it's meant to be lived, like there is no tomorrow.

Whoa!

So, I'm not quite sure where to start this off at but I'm bored and when I get bored I write haha. Anyways, I just got in an relationship and so far so good, she's a great girl honestly I'm happy with her the only thing that scares me is that I will get tied down to this hellish place called Logan Utah. I sure as he'll hope not but seeing that I can't predict the future, I guess Ill have to see how this plays out. Writing on an iPad is hard shit haha not gonna lie this is probably gonna be my most grammatically screwed up post yet. Back to what I was saying, what would you do in my position? Move back to the place and people you love. Or stay in a place you practically hate with a few good friends and a good girl? Can you see my dilemma? I guess my main problem is the fact that I don't want to hurt anybody with the decision I make and no matter what I choose someones gonna be hurt, angry, or wronged. I guess it comes down to my own personal happiness right?

As for now considering the relationship is new, I'm choosing California. I can't say I love her or anything, it's been a long time since I've felt that emotion but I do care about her and I like her a lot so I'm willing to jump in another relationship with someone just to see where it takes me. Why can't I try to be happy? Is it that much of a crime? I'm at least gonna stay guard through this I'm not willing to get hurt again. Plus, if I let my guard down I might want to stay and I'm sorry but no thanks I've been here long enough as it is. I hate decisions sometimes, they cans seriously suck haha but I gotta choose I just hope that whatever conclusion I come to I won't regret my decision. Well I'm getting kinda tired of writing on the iPad, hurts my hands haha. I'll update some more in-depth thinking, that I know you all know and love, later when I get my laptop back for now tho.. Peace!

Am I Dreaming?

Ha I wish. Seriously tho what if everything we're experiencing is just an extremely vivid dream?  For some this would be a relief, it'd give them a second chance at life give them the chance to be able to do things differently and actually make something of themselves. For others, not so much, it's a depressing thought because they live a good and happy life and having to start over and get it all back wouldn't be fun.

For me it'd be a little bit of both. It'd be nice to erase some of the mistakes I made throughout my seventeen years of life. On the other had those mistakes play a big part in who I am today. Lets assume for a second that somewhere in my life I had a terrible accident that I shouldn't of walked away from but did. Now what if me just 'walking away' is actually me going into a coma and dreaming that I just got up and was fine. What if that's what being in a coma is? Just one long dream of us living our lives and upon our death bed we 'wake up' so to speak.

With that in mind I ask myself why try for something that could possible not matter at all? My answer for that is because even if this is a dream might as well  make it a good one, am I right? Dreams. Dreams are really quite strange if you think about it because its basically making up an alternate event in your head. How's that even possible? We are just organisms and our brain is like a circuit board that shoots off neurological signals which makes up our movements, thoughts, and emotions. That's extremely complex and if by some random chance that we, as a species, are a random make up of atoms and molecules that evolved over time to be able to have such complex feelings, thoughts, and reactions then in my opinion we will be able to give machines the exact same thing. Artificial Intelligence is possible sure it might be a little bit down the road but with the technological advances we've already made I bet I'll live to see at least the begging of this project.

Inception. I also believe this to be possible, being able to link human beings together in a dream world. Why not? We all have the ability to dream so there has to be away to link peoples minds together for the purpose of enjoying dreaming with multiple people. If we did discover this though i have to ask the question as to why we'd ever wake up from our dreams? If a select group of friends and myself were able to spend eternity together being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want then what's the point of living in a shitty world where I don't have control of the events that occur around me. That's my question for you, would you rather live this life you live know or have the chance to start over a new or spend an eternity with a few close people doing what you want?

What Holds Me Back

I hate my life.. Honestly I think about this everyday. I hate where I am, I hate who I am and I hate everything I've done... I'm pretty depressed right now. I had it all, an awesome girl, great friends, and a decent enough life. I was actually happy and then everything got ripped out from under my feet. I've lost my hope that things will get better because well honestly I doubt they ever will. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but, I just gotta get some of this shit off my chest.

My heart aches daily for the ones I love, the sights and smells of my home. I miss waking up in my old room walking out my front door and seeing the people I care about right there waiting for me. I miss having people I can open up to without fear of judgement or them using it against me. I miss people caring about me.. Life's pointless without the people you care about the most standing next to you through thick and thin. I see the relationships people have here and I can't help but envy them for it. I want to be that guy again so badly it kills me inside. I want my life back. I carry this with me like a burden that I can't leave behind till I get back to where I belong or I die.

Death. That seems welcoming right now, shit I felt alone sometimes back home but if I needed help with my problems all I had to do was call one of my friends and shit wouldn't seem so bad. I don't have that anymore and it makes living through this shit unbearable.. I don't even know how I've made it this long without snapping or killing myself. I guess I owe that one to the two friends here that I consider 'close' but even they don't truly know me or half the shit I've been through or even the deep depression I've been in for seven months. I can't open up to them about it, I just can't I don't know why but I just can't, I won't let myself.

What if I just gave up? Stopped trying? Would it matter?.. I doubt it, to be honest. I'm tired of constantly wearing this mask pretending every things okay and that I'm this happy guy that I most certainly am not. It just adds to my stress but I can't just mope around and let my depression wash over me because  I've gotta be strong. If not for myself, for my family sure we don't have the best relationship anymore but shit they're still my parents and they're trying their best here. Especially with everything that's going on with my mom. They need me to be strong. I've always gotta be strong though and sometimes I can't keep my strength up and I lose control..

Sleepless

I've stopped sleeping recently, I want to see how long I go without sleep and so far this is my second day without sleep haha. I feel so weird, no joke I'm really out of it and I actually kinda like it! Wow, me and my two friends are crazy for doing this, for it can't be any good to be wired on caffeine 24/7 haha. Whatever, it's chill It's an experiment that I plan to follow through with, at least until I pass out. Literally. This is honestly a pointless blog and I really have no clue where I'm going with this at all soooo I guess I'm gonna just ramble until I find something interesting to talk about.
When I'm in the state of mind I am currently in I tend to think about the weirdest shit haha no joke it's fucking awesome! For instance, today I was just chilling in school and I lost interest in my book so I started thinking. What am I doing? What happened to the guy I used to be? Beats me, honestly I like it, not gonna lie.

"Who I am hates who I've been" Quote of the day right there!

I used to be a really dark human being filled with depressing thoughts and angry motives and honestly I was someone who had stopped caring whether I lived or died. Now to those who read this and don't know that feeling it can be both great and scary at the same time. Great because you feel so much more free because well, you have no boundaries if you don't care about anything at all. Which makes it scary because you wake up everyday void of emotion and feeling which is a really, really weird sensation. Knowing that everyday you could literally die and not care even the slightest bit. That's all I got for now, kinda depressing but hey they're not all perfect.

Insanity

Sometimes I fear i'm going crazy, seriously it freaks the shit out of me. I guess the real question is, is this a bad thing? I'm not quite sure to be honest, I see people who are insane and I think to myself why is it that they're like this and it's because they can't communicate with the rest of us. What if the people we as society deem insane are actually people who pushed the boundaries of their intelligence so far that the lost the control of being able to communicate clearly to the rest of us. For you to understand what I mean by this I'd have to explain a little. What the hell I got time might as well give it a shot.

In my opinion what governs our intelligence is our subconscious, meaning everything we know and learn to know is stored there. Our conscious mind is what we use to communicate our thoughts and ideas to another individual. Now what I meant by my previous statement is, that insanity comes only when one has delved so deep into their own subconscious, that they lose the ability of using their conscious mind to communicate to others. Now the next question one must ask is, is it worth it?

Let's say, Hypothetically of course, that someone came up to you one day and told you that with a snap of their fingers they could make you one of the smartest human beings ever to exist, the only repercussions of this would be the fact that no one would be able to understand at you and, as a whole, society would look down upon you. Would you do it? To be honest I don't think I would, sure it'd be awesome to have so much knowledge about pretty much anything and everything, but to not be able to share that knowledge would utterly eat away at me until I just shot myself haha. The reason I say this is because I like having my intelligence solely for being able to bounce my ideas and thoughts off of other people. I love criticism and feedback because they allow me to better myself where I can. In my opinion people who don't ask for criticism and feedback are stupid and wont ever truly reach their highest potential, but again that's just my opinion.

I want to say one more thing before I post this. If you live your whole life avoiding criticism then you will never be any better at what you do, who you are, and what others see you as; you will only be slowly getting worse and worse in others minds and your own.

It's Been Awhile.

Do you ever have a moment in your life where something brings back a flash of memory? Where you are transported, so to speak, to the moment you had experienced this memory? I have, I'm not just talking about when you think back to a certain moment in time, no, I'm talking about when you can smell the smell that filled your nose during that moment, when you can vividly see the event that happened to you as it happens, when you can hear your friends voices or the sounds around you. It's the moments like those that I love and hate. I love them because I get the chance to relive the times I hold dearest to me. I get feel like I'm with all my friends, that I love and care about, again. It truly is an amazing experience, but on the other hand I hate that it happens to me. I hate it because when I come out of this experience I'm depressed by it, I miss my life back in California, and relive it over again only to realize that I'm stuck in a place I hate, surrounded by strangers who don't know anything about me except the stuff that I let them know, well can you blame me for my sadness?

Fuck This!

Again! FUCKING AGAIN! This shit happens, I try and make a step to go forward with this girl that I actually do have feelings for, and what does it get me? SHE FUCKING HITS ON MY FRIENDS! That's some mother fucking bullshit! I hate liars fuck love I'm tired of tryin'. If you can't tell I'm quite pissed right now, can you blame me? Fuck love, Fuck immature bitches, and especially fuck trying to find that 'special girl' she doesn't fucking exist. I'm a realist, and reality is telling me " Jake, your not destined for that bullshit your a player till the day you die, accept it." Guess what? I have.

True Words Right Here

My Friends

What's up ya'll? I'm sitting here with two of my good friends just killin' time till the sun comes over the horizon. It's strange both these guys are a  lot like me in many ways and that in it self is a trip. It's nice, for a long time I've felt mentally isolated from the general population because well honestly I haven't found many people who where able to keep up with my intelligence. That sounds a little self centered to say, but I swear it's the fucking truth. I have thoughts that come into my head that I never had many people who would understand them if i tried to tell them about it so I've kept it to myself and that sucks! Especially when you have a mind blowing idea and you want someone else to bounce ideas off of and get feedback you know? This post is for the people out there who feel the same way as I did and to let them know that you really aren't alone. We're here and we're more then willing to listen.

For the Ladies

Tonight has been a pretty good night I've had the privilege to talk to some really chill girls but alas none of them are for me you know what I'm saying? In turn this really fuckin sucks cause it makes me come off as a player.. I don't consider myself a player but I guess in a way I am. Shit whatever I embrace it, might as well get use to what I am. Don't get me wrong I want to find that one girl that makes me want to be someone different. I had that you know, A long time ago now but I had it.. I miss it ya know? I was a good guy i treated her with respect and i did practically everything and anything for her and what did I get in return? Heartache. She really fucked me up in the head so i have renounced this so called feeling, love.

Can you really blame me? Like shit put yourself in my shoes the first time you actually let someone into your heart and really truly care about someone the turn around and stab you in the back in one of the shittiest ways possible.  Yes I don't like who I am but fuck what am I suppose to do? Try again? Fuck THAT! Shakespeare once said " It was better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." that is complete bullshit! Sure being in love was great, amazing even but the pain that followed.. it was practically unbearable. I guess I'm destined to be the Barney Stenson of my generation at least until I find that girl that changes everything.. but everyday I'm losing more and more faith that there even is a girl like that. Prove me wrong?.. I dare you.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT!!!!!!

sup

See Through the B.S.

I have no clue what I want to write about right now but I know it’s something I can do to kill time. So here I go I’m just gonna start bullshitting till I find an interesting topic to write about. Most the people I’m surrounded with are just plain out right stupid and it just makes it funny how they think their hot shit when in 20 years I predict most of them to me poor to maybe, MAYBE high middle class (that’s me giving the benefit of the doubt). Like shit this schools filled with idiots besides two friends of mine and of course me. Once again I question my intelligence I see it that by stating the fact that I’m so much more intelligent than the people I’m surround with is in fact just my ego and I’m not as smart as I think but then again there is evidence to support that fact that I am more intelligent than most. Fuck, I’m just going in circles yet again. So drugs, drugs as best defined in my mind are a way to enlighten ones perspective not only on life but as well as on one’s own perspective of on themselves I see it as a way to look into ones consciousness maybe even soul, if that exists, (I doubt it). People fuck off, seriously, all of you rot in hell you are inferior and in my opinion don’t even deserve the right to call themselves human, how about primates? All they do is look cute, shit, eat, and waste my fucking oxygen and resources I say mass genocide is the answer to all. Hahahahahahaha I’m just playing that’s fucked up maybe just gather the intelligent together in one place so we can live with equals instead of having only two people to talk to about the shit in my head. I need people to bounce my ideas off  of, people who can fucking understand the sophisticated language I prefer to use rather than this gutter talk I hear. Like shit, the English language is beautiful in my opinion if people actually used it to its full potential. I lost my train of thought so I’m gonna move on.

Okay just realized this so I gotta write it down haha alright this is funny as fuck, I just realized how people will put themselves down for their own stupidity and in turn make themselves look more stupid so that people won’t think critically of them. For instance I was listening to a presentation in class and the kid talking couldn't pronounce a lot of the words in the script they writ so he preceded to say” fuck, big words” every time he messed up making himself look stupid as hell. I didn’t even have to mentally put this kid down, he did it for me, shit that’s sad.

What Fuels my Writing

What's Next?

I ask myself this regularly like seriously what if you could look into the future and see exactly whats gonna happen to you whether its a few moments or a few years. This ability could save your life, make you millions or just save you some pain and heartache. I believe you can be whoever and whatever you want if you where able to somehow have this ability. I also think its possible. Hear me out Now traveling into the past is impossible because of one reason. If you fuck shit up you could change so much that you going into the past wouldn't even happen which would mean that you never changed anything which means you would go back in time. You follow?
Looking into the future is an entirely different story, I say this because seeing the future just gives you the aid of knowing the consequences of your actions. Using this gives the chance to make the right choice. Look at it this way, what if you where in a life and death situation and you had to choose either running or fighting by being able to look at the consequences of these decisions you would know which choice would allow you to live or which choice would end in your demise. This is all i have on this topic for know. Peace!

Why?

The most important question anyone can ask is "why?". I say this  because that one word has managed to change the world, individuals lives, and caused reformation and revolutions. It's made people see the reality that we live in,  instead of hiding behind the views of society and religion. Why should we do anything? Like seriously whats the point to it. Especially school! and I'm not just saying this cause i don't wanna go to school or get an education, trust me that's not the case. The Schooling System is complete bullshit! I'm living proof of this I failed my first 2 years of high school and I practically dropped out my junior year, but I'm still gonna graduate on time! Not to sound egocentric but I consider myself a lot smarter then the average person so why should my life have to depend so much on a piece of paper that says I know what I'm doing? School is a great idea don't get me wrong we just need to go about it differently is all I'm saying.

I've taught myself a lot of what I know, like writing I've always been told i was good at it words just flow into my head and i manage to make them fit together in an understandable and intriguing statement. With just this skill I could drop out of school and use my words to make a living if not an extravagant one, I'll at least make a decent one, so again i ask why? Why go at all when all i gotta do is exactly what I'm doing at this moment? The answer is: Society. It isn't socially acceptable for me to just drop out of high school many people would look down on me for it and consider me not 'intelligent' because I don't have a piece of paper that said I wasted four years of my life. Fuck. That.

Now a days it would be hard to even find a decent paying job with out a high school diploma, hell I couldn't even join the military and risk my life for my country because I don't have a pointless piece of paper. That my friends is so grade A bullshit! Again I ask why? Why does it matter so much? If anyone finds a legitament answer to this question please enlighten me because I am truly at a loss with this one.

My Thoughts

So, I thought I'd give this a shot my first time publicly putting my writings out there but fuck it, why not? I'm 17 and I've already come to the conclusion that religion is pointless bullshit. Sorry if I offend anyone, but open your eyes, so much blood has been spilled in the name of a 'God' or 'Gods' it's actually quite sad. There is no actual proof that there even is a 'God' so why the hell do so many people blindly follow something that has a higher chance of not even being real? I guess it's because it helps them cope with the fact that life sucks, so by thinking that theres some great and happy afterlife after this makes shit just a little more bearable. I get that cause i use to think that way, it wasn't till recently that i realized that's not the case. I guess to me that Reincarnation makes more sense, now i know that probably sounds a little crazy, but hear me out. Our subconscious is ultimately what guides our decisions and pretty much our lives, have you ever asked your self why you did something and not come up with an answer for something? or have knowledge come to you about a subject that your conscious mind thought you knew nothing about? This is because we store a lot of information in our subconscious. My theory about Reincarnation is that we don't remember our past lives but our subconscious does but the barrier between our subconscious and conscious mind doesn't allow those memories to come through clearly, so to speak. This would explain a lot including Deja Vu, Something happened to us in our previous experiences that is so similar to the moment that is occurring that our subconscious picks up on it and we get the feeling that it's happened before. Also, it explains the knowledge on subjects we didn't realize we had, I believe that the knowledge we gathered in previous lives and even this one is all pooled into our subconscious allowing us to use it only when an opportunity arises where we need to use it. Now to me this feels like its all building up to something, like we are gathering and gathering this information throughout our lives until we have gotten enough of what our subconscious mind has deemed important, allowing us to die and move on, not into another life on this planet but, into a higher level of existence/intelligence. To me this makes more sense then blindly following a religion that tries to control what its members do and believe therefore limiting there access to essential experiences life has to offer.