Me, Myself, and I (Part 1)

So, I was given the idea to write about myself, my problems and my thoughts on them so why not? Anyways, I might as well start from the beginning, which for me is the beginning of the summer of this year. See, I had it going really good, I had an amazing girlfriend and the best friends a guy could ask for. I had been having a rough year and it was actually starting to get better. I was happy with myself and my life I didn't ask for any change but well it happened. After the amazing summer I was having was coming to a close I was forced to leave my life and move to a small town called Logan in the state of Utah. I tried to have a positive outlook on this whole experience but who was I kidding? I lost it all. Everything I knew and loved and cared about and it felt like it happened over night. My girlfriend and I said we were gonna keep our relationship together but I knew deep down it wasn't going to happen.

Day one in Logan, I managed to keep it together for the whole day with only a little thoughts on the past life I left behind me.(Thank god for weed.) It wasn't until the night that it all really hit me hard. I'm not afraid to admit I cried because shit, it was a lot to handle and I've never been good at dealing with my emotions anyways I always felt to strong I guess you could say. I never let my parents know tho because I couldn't they were trying their best to make this as easy as possible on me and well the last thing they need was me being miserable around them. So, as always I put on a smile and tried my best to act 'happy'. The only time I let it show was at night, alone in my room. Then their was the problem of not knowing anyone and since school wasn't in session I had about two weeks of isolation. To help cope with my pain and thoughts I ran regularly, sometimes for hours on end. I'd run and work my muscles until I literally couldn't move afterward my body would hurt so much. It was only then that my mind was truly at peace because well I was to focused on the pain.

Then after the second week of being here the event I knew was coming, arrived. The girl I loved left me, I can't blame her for it because well it was inevitable, long distant doesn't work. It wasn't until she started dating my best friend did I really get emotionally fucked up. Once again I couldn't blame either of them, for I knew they liked each other and I wanted them to be happy because I loved them both and I still do. See my friend had been having a hard time in the relationship department and he really need her and she deserved someone better than me so who am I to stand in the way of their happiness? It was then that I decided to detach myself from my emotions because honestly closing that door was easier then leaving it open and dealing with the pain. Ever since than I've been an emotionally cripple so to speak. Part of me is okay with this, the other part hates it because I use to be so in-tap with my emotions but now I'm not and that's really weird for me it's made me in to a completely different person. I guess I'm just waiting for a girl that gives me a reason to open myself up again. I just fear that I'll never find her.