I hate my life.. Honestly I think about this everyday. I hate where I am, I hate who I am and I hate everything I've done... I'm pretty depressed right now. I had it all, an awesome girl, great friends, and a decent enough life. I was actually happy and then everything got ripped out from under my feet. I've lost my hope that things will get better because well honestly I doubt they ever will. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining but, I just gotta get some of this shit off my chest.
My heart aches daily for the ones I love, the sights and smells of my home. I miss waking up in my old room walking out my front door and seeing the people I care about right there waiting for me. I miss having people I can open up to without fear of judgement or them using it against me. I miss people caring about me.. Life's pointless without the people you care about the most standing next to you through thick and thin. I see the relationships people have here and I can't help but envy them for it. I want to be that guy again so badly it kills me inside. I want my life back. I carry this with me like a burden that I can't leave behind till I get back to where I belong or I die.
Death. That seems welcoming right now, shit I felt alone sometimes back home but if I needed help with my problems all I had to do was call one of my friends and shit wouldn't seem so bad. I don't have that anymore and it makes living through this shit unbearable.. I don't even know how I've made it this long without snapping or killing myself. I guess I owe that one to the two friends here that I consider 'close' but even they don't truly know me or half the shit I've been through or even the deep depression I've been in for seven months. I can't open up to them about it, I just can't I don't know why but I just can't, I won't let myself.
What if I just gave up? Stopped trying? Would it matter?.. I doubt it, to be honest. I'm tired of constantly wearing this mask pretending every things okay and that I'm this happy guy that I most certainly am not. It just adds to my stress but I can't just mope around and let my depression wash over me because I've gotta be strong. If not for myself, for my family sure we don't have the best relationship anymore but shit they're still my parents and they're trying their best here. Especially with everything that's going on with my mom. They need me to be strong. I've always gotta be strong though and sometimes I can't keep my strength up and I lose control..
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