I'm in a dark mood tonight and for the life of me I can't seem to figure out why. I'm lost and wondering through the darkness looking for the light that will lead me to peaceful happiness. Nothing feels okay anymore, my mind just wont shut off I'm haunted by nightmares when I try and sleep and when I'm awake I'm alone with my thoughts that make me feel so isolated from everyone. I hate it, I feel like an asshole most of the time I don't understand what I do to piss some people off. I'm sorry I don't mean to offend it never was my intentions. I'm just so messed up in my head, I don't think many people understand what I mean when I say that.
It's like somewhere down the road I started out on I took a turn into a dark alley that I can't seem to find my way out of, no matter how hard I try I can't find my way to the road I was on earlier. I guess I just gotta keep walking till I find my way out of this darkness that I call my life. I hope the light at the end of the road will show up soon, because I'm running out of cigarettes.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The First Time
She had me from the start, from the moment I walked through the door of 1st period math and saw her standing there. My breath caught and I thought to myself wow she was absolutely beautiful and I knew that I would have no chance with a girl like her. You see I was the short funny kid who didn't say much of anything to anyone except to crack a joke. I guess I was just really shy and lacked self confidence. Anyways, the teacher choose to have her sit next to me and I was nervous to say the least. Come on! I was a shy little freshman, and she looked like a beauty queen. I talked to her every now and again managed to even make her laugh, I was proud of myself. Since she was the new girl in school it gave me the shot to make a good impression on her so I tried my best.
It turned out that I'd also have another class with this girl, English, and I remember one day in particular that managed to stick itself in my memory for good. I was feeling confident, it was a good day and I was in a good mood so I thought fuck it lets give it a shot. She was sitting on a couch lookin' a little bored because we where putting together Romeo and Juliet skits and since she came in late she didn't have to do much. I walked over and sat down next to her and we started to talk and me being the smooth kid I am tried to flirt with her and to this day I don't know what she saw in me but hell I'm glad she did. As I tried to attempt to flirt with this beautiful girl, that wouldn't leave me head since the first time I saw her, one of the girls in my group who also happened to be one of my good friends at the time took the liberty to walk over to where we were sitting and take me by the ear and say "Stop flirting with her and help us!" Thanks so very much! It's good to have friends.. right? I was pretty embarrassed and she was laughing at us which didn't help that much either but whatever! It happens!
We kept talking though and actually became pretty good friends, but with as my luck runs she had a boyfriend at the time so I had to too be happy with "Just Friends". Cool. The year ended and we had summer school english together it was at some other high school so we had time to talk to each other. After the first week her and her boyfriend where talking about breaking up and I managed to choke out that I liked her and what do ya know! She liked me too! Needless to say I was pretty fucking happy, but being the dumb ass that I am I ended it before anything could happen and I still can't remember a reason as to why I'd do that. So we stopped talking for the rest of the summer she went her way I went the other. It wasn't until the next year that I apologized for being such an ass and she forgave me for it! So, we started talking again and hanging out occasionally but would you believe it? She had another boyfriend. I've got great timing with this shit, huh? I didn't give up though, I kept at it, I kept talking to her and eventually her and her boyfriend, again, where having problems. So, I took the liberty to be the shoulder she could cry on and talk to about it. Eventually she told me she still had feelings for me and I told her the same. I stole her from her boyfriend and I didn't and still don't regret doing it because she had an impact on me, she was the first girl that I'd come to say I loved.
We dated and I spent every waking minute with her or her and her family or her and out friends. It was amazing, she was the first steady girlfriend I had and I was really happy with her. Like every couple we had our problems but we managed to get through them and stay together. It still wasn't meant to be at least not then, we broke up and moved on we where still friends but not the best anymore. We bounced back in fourth for the longest time on whether or not we should get back together again but something kept telling me it wasn't going to work out so I pushed her farther away and stayed with the girl I was currently with up until I moved. Me and her still talk from time to time and it surprises me how much she still comes into my thoughts, it's good to know I have a friend like her out there though someone who I know cares about me. I care about her too, her family and her where like the family I had wanted for a long time but never had. Of course I knew none of that when I walked through the door of 1st period math, all I knew was that that girl was Amber Cortland and damn was she beautiful.
It turned out that I'd also have another class with this girl, English, and I remember one day in particular that managed to stick itself in my memory for good. I was feeling confident, it was a good day and I was in a good mood so I thought fuck it lets give it a shot. She was sitting on a couch lookin' a little bored because we where putting together Romeo and Juliet skits and since she came in late she didn't have to do much. I walked over and sat down next to her and we started to talk and me being the smooth kid I am tried to flirt with her and to this day I don't know what she saw in me but hell I'm glad she did. As I tried to attempt to flirt with this beautiful girl, that wouldn't leave me head since the first time I saw her, one of the girls in my group who also happened to be one of my good friends at the time took the liberty to walk over to where we were sitting and take me by the ear and say "Stop flirting with her and help us!" Thanks so very much! It's good to have friends.. right? I was pretty embarrassed and she was laughing at us which didn't help that much either but whatever! It happens!
We kept talking though and actually became pretty good friends, but with as my luck runs she had a boyfriend at the time so I had to too be happy with "Just Friends". Cool. The year ended and we had summer school english together it was at some other high school so we had time to talk to each other. After the first week her and her boyfriend where talking about breaking up and I managed to choke out that I liked her and what do ya know! She liked me too! Needless to say I was pretty fucking happy, but being the dumb ass that I am I ended it before anything could happen and I still can't remember a reason as to why I'd do that. So we stopped talking for the rest of the summer she went her way I went the other. It wasn't until the next year that I apologized for being such an ass and she forgave me for it! So, we started talking again and hanging out occasionally but would you believe it? She had another boyfriend. I've got great timing with this shit, huh? I didn't give up though, I kept at it, I kept talking to her and eventually her and her boyfriend, again, where having problems. So, I took the liberty to be the shoulder she could cry on and talk to about it. Eventually she told me she still had feelings for me and I told her the same. I stole her from her boyfriend and I didn't and still don't regret doing it because she had an impact on me, she was the first girl that I'd come to say I loved.
We dated and I spent every waking minute with her or her and her family or her and out friends. It was amazing, she was the first steady girlfriend I had and I was really happy with her. Like every couple we had our problems but we managed to get through them and stay together. It still wasn't meant to be at least not then, we broke up and moved on we where still friends but not the best anymore. We bounced back in fourth for the longest time on whether or not we should get back together again but something kept telling me it wasn't going to work out so I pushed her farther away and stayed with the girl I was currently with up until I moved. Me and her still talk from time to time and it surprises me how much she still comes into my thoughts, it's good to know I have a friend like her out there though someone who I know cares about me. I care about her too, her family and her where like the family I had wanted for a long time but never had. Of course I knew none of that when I walked through the door of 1st period math, all I knew was that that girl was Amber Cortland and damn was she beautiful.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Me, Myself, and I (Part 2)
Well apparently the first part of this post was one of my topped viewed, who knew? So I guess I'll finish this story of mine. Life moved on for me I spent my time in isolation reading, running or keeping my body in shape. I'd quit smoking and was doing really well physically so that gave me something to be proud of. I started school. At first I was nervous being the new kid and all it was an experience I had never had up till that point. Day one I just got up got dressed and was off to interact with my new peers. It wasn't so bad I stayed to the back ground and talked only when I needed too I kept my head phones in and my head down. I had a class I loved tho the teacher was actually an intelligent one, someone I could debate with and through my ideas at, I soon realized I was one of the only people who actually understood what the man was saying and at the time I thought I was the only one who fully grasped that. About two weeks into this school year I payed witness to this stoner named B, he was a funny kid and I obviously could tell the guy was high so I talked to him. At first I scared him, later on he told me he thought I was a cop haha. I finally found a connection to the one thing that could keep me sane so I kept at it and made sure the kid new I was chill. After a week or two I got in pretty good with that group, the stoners cause after all I was one of them. It was there I met one of my best friends, K, in this place I call hell, to others its know as Logan. This kid and I had a lot of the same interests and thoughts on a lot of things I could tell he was on my level of thinking so he turned into one of the kids I could actually hold an intellectual conversation with no matter the topic. It's funny cause the others of our group would get annoyed cause we would start debates over the smallest topic that would eventually blossom into a real world ideal and go on from there till one of us either submitted defeat or everyone else told us to shut up. I wasn't totally alone anymore! I had friends people I could hang out with, laugh with, shoot the shit with, and someone who I could talk to about important thoughts that ran through my head like religion, politics, government, and philosophical ideals. K and I didn't know it yet but this was the start of a friendship that would soon turn into brotherhood.
The weeks turned to months and time slowly passed me by, sure I was still hung up over my life in California but I was at least being distracted by it for the moment. That helped me build the wall in my mind between myself and my feelings. Sure I'd get the occasional flashback to times passed but I'd handle that in due time through tears shed in my room at night where others couldn't see. The only thing that bothered me at that moment was not having a girl in my life so I started focusing my attention on the ladies in this town I lived in. I started going to parties and broadening my connections of friends and people I knew. After I fixed that small problem and managed to open the doors to the lovely ladies I've meet things got even more easier and bearable. The thoughts of home became less and less but always still there, that dream of going home back to everyone I've known my whole life, I'll never let go of that dream. Soon another intellectual crossed my path, A, at first I didn't know he'd come to be one of my close friends I didn't even know if I'd like the guy. It wasn't till he walked up to K and I having a debate on religion and instead of walking away or trying to change the subject he throw in his points on the topic!! It was great, K and I thought we were alone in our thoughts on a lot but the more and more we talked to A we realized he was exactly like us in a lot of ways. It was a refreshing change to not be so alone in my head anymore I had two people I could talk to about anything on my mind and they'd give me advice or feedback on it, depending on what the topic was. A and me have a passion for music, not just listening to it but writing it and singing it we love to do it and that quickly struck up a bond between us that would bring me another friend that I could call my brother.
The weeks turned to months and time slowly passed me by, sure I was still hung up over my life in California but I was at least being distracted by it for the moment. That helped me build the wall in my mind between myself and my feelings. Sure I'd get the occasional flashback to times passed but I'd handle that in due time through tears shed in my room at night where others couldn't see. The only thing that bothered me at that moment was not having a girl in my life so I started focusing my attention on the ladies in this town I lived in. I started going to parties and broadening my connections of friends and people I knew. After I fixed that small problem and managed to open the doors to the lovely ladies I've meet things got even more easier and bearable. The thoughts of home became less and less but always still there, that dream of going home back to everyone I've known my whole life, I'll never let go of that dream. Soon another intellectual crossed my path, A, at first I didn't know he'd come to be one of my close friends I didn't even know if I'd like the guy. It wasn't till he walked up to K and I having a debate on religion and instead of walking away or trying to change the subject he throw in his points on the topic!! It was great, K and I thought we were alone in our thoughts on a lot but the more and more we talked to A we realized he was exactly like us in a lot of ways. It was a refreshing change to not be so alone in my head anymore I had two people I could talk to about anything on my mind and they'd give me advice or feedback on it, depending on what the topic was. A and me have a passion for music, not just listening to it but writing it and singing it we love to do it and that quickly struck up a bond between us that would bring me another friend that I could call my brother.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
To Hell With This!
I dropped out of high school today, to be honest I'm a little worried but fuck it I know I'm going to be fine. I'm not gonna be totally stupid though I'm gonna get my GED and probably go to a community college. I look at this as time that I can now write my book with. I can get more important things done like my hours and get a job, save up some money to move back to California. It's not gonna be to bad I think the most I'm worried about is all the free time that's gonna be on my hands now haha. Whatever, I need to start my book I have the whole idea mapped out and I know what it's gonna be about I just need to actually start writing and until now I just haven't had the time.
I just wished more people believed in me honestly it'd make all this a lot easier especially if I had my parents at least backing me on my decision. Screw it. They'll eat their words soon enough, they'll regret when the said I couldn't follow my dream and become the writer I know I can be. I honestly can't wait to move on with my life I'm sick of high school I'm ready for college where maybe I can actually be challenged by the academics provided. That's why I never went to school it's not cause it was hard or cause I was anti-social it's because it was way to easy for me and I got most everything a teacher taught the second they taught it. I got bored of sitting in a class for a week hearing the same lesson over and over again so I stopped going, can you blame me?
I've practically gotten what I've been craving for son long now. Independence. I don't have any obligations except for the ones that I set for myself, like my book. Ahh my book, people are gonna remember me by my writings that's what I'm excited for few things last as longer then the written word. True statement. Writing is what I want to do with my life ever since middle school I've been told I'm a good writer, it comes to me naturally so why not do what I'm good at? Sure at first it's gonna be hard to do but I know if I just keep at it I can do it. I'm not only gonna write fiction books either I plan on writing informational books on religion and philosophy as well even tho I don't have a degree in philosophy I still understand it and it interests me, so I'll write about it god damn it! Even if those don't get published I know my fictional stories will, I've written enough short stories to know that I can keep a reader hooked with my stories. The only thing that I failed with short stories was being able to end it within 2-3 pages I always wanted to keep writing. I guess I'm not all to worried I know I'm gonna be fine with the path I've chosen to take so it's only a matter of time till I get to say "SUCK IT!" to everyone who said I couldn't do it.
I just wished more people believed in me honestly it'd make all this a lot easier especially if I had my parents at least backing me on my decision. Screw it. They'll eat their words soon enough, they'll regret when the said I couldn't follow my dream and become the writer I know I can be. I honestly can't wait to move on with my life I'm sick of high school I'm ready for college where maybe I can actually be challenged by the academics provided. That's why I never went to school it's not cause it was hard or cause I was anti-social it's because it was way to easy for me and I got most everything a teacher taught the second they taught it. I got bored of sitting in a class for a week hearing the same lesson over and over again so I stopped going, can you blame me?
I've practically gotten what I've been craving for son long now. Independence. I don't have any obligations except for the ones that I set for myself, like my book. Ahh my book, people are gonna remember me by my writings that's what I'm excited for few things last as longer then the written word. True statement. Writing is what I want to do with my life ever since middle school I've been told I'm a good writer, it comes to me naturally so why not do what I'm good at? Sure at first it's gonna be hard to do but I know if I just keep at it I can do it. I'm not only gonna write fiction books either I plan on writing informational books on religion and philosophy as well even tho I don't have a degree in philosophy I still understand it and it interests me, so I'll write about it god damn it! Even if those don't get published I know my fictional stories will, I've written enough short stories to know that I can keep a reader hooked with my stories. The only thing that I failed with short stories was being able to end it within 2-3 pages I always wanted to keep writing. I guess I'm not all to worried I know I'm gonna be fine with the path I've chosen to take so it's only a matter of time till I get to say "SUCK IT!" to everyone who said I couldn't do it.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
For the Dreamers Like Me.
I dream of better days then the ones that I'm stuck in at the moment, The days where I'm reunited with who I use to be. The days where you can look yourself in the mirror and say your proud of everything you've accomplished in your life. I dream for the people who are like me, the ones who sit at night and cry and ask god "why? Why does this have to happen to me?" I dream for the people who are lost in life and not sure where to turn next or why they're even trying to find their way anymore. I dream for the ones who grew up in a place where their lullaby was police sirens and gunshots. I dream for everyone who's ever had to deal with heart ache, depression, drug addiction, death, strife, unlawfulness, and people constantly telling you your not good enough or smart enough, or strong enough, or pretty enough to do the things you dream to do with you life. I dream because I know how you feel I've grown up with that lullaby, I've dealt with the addictions, the pain and strife that comes with life, the people telling you, you can't.
Your not alone out there your not the only one with these problems and feelings. I write this to let you know that you have people to lean on whether you know it or not. Life's filled with it's ups and downs. Some are worse than others but even if the downs seem to horrible to bare then tell someone you trust cause believe it or not you don't have to shoulder these burdens alone. No matter how bad life seems at the moment don't give up because you never know whats around the corner, you never know where your life's going next. You could be someone great, to a lot of people or to just someone who really needs you. Either way that gives your life meaning because YOU affected someone, YOU where remembered, YOU made a difference. Whether it be as small and impact as listening to a friend as they cry, or as big as writing a book or song that effect many peoples lives and helped them get through the darkest hours of life we all have. That's something right there, so why give up and stop trying when you could make a difference to someone?
Come on people lend a hand to your neighbor, when you see someone who's breaking down why not just ask if their okay? Even if they don't tell you it meant something to them because it should someone cared enough to try and give them a hand. Why not ask for help? It doesn't mean your weak because there's gonna be times in life where trying to shoulder your pain and burden alone will be too much weight for you to carry alone. Even if it doesn't feel like it someone out there cares about you, someone out there will shed a tear for you, someone out there has your back. Don't give up on yourself or others because there's always a light at then end of the tunnel it seems like hell now but that wont last forever. Nothings is forever, good and bad, the moments in time always pass all you can do is keep pushing forward till the good times happen more often then the bad.
Your not alone out there your not the only one with these problems and feelings. I write this to let you know that you have people to lean on whether you know it or not. Life's filled with it's ups and downs. Some are worse than others but even if the downs seem to horrible to bare then tell someone you trust cause believe it or not you don't have to shoulder these burdens alone. No matter how bad life seems at the moment don't give up because you never know whats around the corner, you never know where your life's going next. You could be someone great, to a lot of people or to just someone who really needs you. Either way that gives your life meaning because YOU affected someone, YOU where remembered, YOU made a difference. Whether it be as small and impact as listening to a friend as they cry, or as big as writing a book or song that effect many peoples lives and helped them get through the darkest hours of life we all have. That's something right there, so why give up and stop trying when you could make a difference to someone?
Come on people lend a hand to your neighbor, when you see someone who's breaking down why not just ask if their okay? Even if they don't tell you it meant something to them because it should someone cared enough to try and give them a hand. Why not ask for help? It doesn't mean your weak because there's gonna be times in life where trying to shoulder your pain and burden alone will be too much weight for you to carry alone. Even if it doesn't feel like it someone out there cares about you, someone out there will shed a tear for you, someone out there has your back. Don't give up on yourself or others because there's always a light at then end of the tunnel it seems like hell now but that wont last forever. Nothings is forever, good and bad, the moments in time always pass all you can do is keep pushing forward till the good times happen more often then the bad.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
For Her
You asked me earlier to write something about you so here it goes.
I know your going through a lot right now, I understand if my words don't help much but honestly it's the only thing I can think of doing to help you. Your an amazing, beautiful, kind, sweet person that doesn't deserve the things that are happening to you. When you needed someone to stand by you, I let you down and words can't express how disappointed in myself I am. Even if you don't believe this I do care about you, a lot more than I probably should. Your strong enough to get through all of this, I know you are and if you need someone to lean on I swear I'll never let you down again. No matter what happens, if your right or if your wrong, I'll stand next to you. I'm starting to fall for you I can't help it, I just am and I don't mind it because I'd be lucky to have a girl like you in my life, let alone being mine. All I can say is people are assholes and they'll try and break you down but you can't let them girl your to good for it, your too good for them. Hell your to good for me even.
You listened to me and managed to cheer me up when I thought that no one could be able to and I'm so thankful for that. How do I repay you for that? By being an asshole and letting what happened tonight happen and not even take your side on it. I'm so sorry, if I could turn back the hands of time and stop this all from even happening I would do it in an instant for you. I would do almost anything to make you smile and take even a fraction of the pain you feel away. You deserve better than this, you deserve to be happy because your an amazing friend, a great mother, a kind soul, and a beautiful girl. I want you to be happy, I want you to not have to go through the things your going through and I definitely want to make it easier on you in anyway possible. I'm here for you 24/7, just a message or a phone call away. I swear that in the future I'll try to keep events like tonight from happening ever again and if they do no matter what it costs me I'll stand by you because I truly care about you. It's been a long time since I've meet someone who makes me feel this way but you do. Again, I fucked it up, I just hope it's not to late for me to fix the mistake I made. I Love You. I beg for another shot to prove that too you..
I know your going through a lot right now, I understand if my words don't help much but honestly it's the only thing I can think of doing to help you. Your an amazing, beautiful, kind, sweet person that doesn't deserve the things that are happening to you. When you needed someone to stand by you, I let you down and words can't express how disappointed in myself I am. Even if you don't believe this I do care about you, a lot more than I probably should. Your strong enough to get through all of this, I know you are and if you need someone to lean on I swear I'll never let you down again. No matter what happens, if your right or if your wrong, I'll stand next to you. I'm starting to fall for you I can't help it, I just am and I don't mind it because I'd be lucky to have a girl like you in my life, let alone being mine. All I can say is people are assholes and they'll try and break you down but you can't let them girl your to good for it, your too good for them. Hell your to good for me even.
You listened to me and managed to cheer me up when I thought that no one could be able to and I'm so thankful for that. How do I repay you for that? By being an asshole and letting what happened tonight happen and not even take your side on it. I'm so sorry, if I could turn back the hands of time and stop this all from even happening I would do it in an instant for you. I would do almost anything to make you smile and take even a fraction of the pain you feel away. You deserve better than this, you deserve to be happy because your an amazing friend, a great mother, a kind soul, and a beautiful girl. I want you to be happy, I want you to not have to go through the things your going through and I definitely want to make it easier on you in anyway possible. I'm here for you 24/7, just a message or a phone call away. I swear that in the future I'll try to keep events like tonight from happening ever again and if they do no matter what it costs me I'll stand by you because I truly care about you. It's been a long time since I've meet someone who makes me feel this way but you do. Again, I fucked it up, I just hope it's not to late for me to fix the mistake I made. I Love You. I beg for another shot to prove that too you..
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Me, Myself, and I (Part 1)
So, I was given the idea to write about myself, my problems and my thoughts on them so why not? Anyways, I might as well start from the beginning, which for me is the beginning of the summer of this year. See, I had it going really good, I had an amazing girlfriend and the best friends a guy could ask for. I had been having a rough year and it was actually starting to get better. I was happy with myself and my life I didn't ask for any change but well it happened. After the amazing summer I was having was coming to a close I was forced to leave my life and move to a small town called Logan in the state of Utah. I tried to have a positive outlook on this whole experience but who was I kidding? I lost it all. Everything I knew and loved and cared about and it felt like it happened over night. My girlfriend and I said we were gonna keep our relationship together but I knew deep down it wasn't going to happen.
Day one in Logan, I managed to keep it together for the whole day with only a little thoughts on the past life I left behind me.(Thank god for weed.) It wasn't until the night that it all really hit me hard. I'm not afraid to admit I cried because shit, it was a lot to handle and I've never been good at dealing with my emotions anyways I always felt to strong I guess you could say. I never let my parents know tho because I couldn't they were trying their best to make this as easy as possible on me and well the last thing they need was me being miserable around them. So, as always I put on a smile and tried my best to act 'happy'. The only time I let it show was at night, alone in my room. Then their was the problem of not knowing anyone and since school wasn't in session I had about two weeks of isolation. To help cope with my pain and thoughts I ran regularly, sometimes for hours on end. I'd run and work my muscles until I literally couldn't move afterward my body would hurt so much. It was only then that my mind was truly at peace because well I was to focused on the pain.
Then after the second week of being here the event I knew was coming, arrived. The girl I loved left me, I can't blame her for it because well it was inevitable, long distant doesn't work. It wasn't until she started dating my best friend did I really get emotionally fucked up. Once again I couldn't blame either of them, for I knew they liked each other and I wanted them to be happy because I loved them both and I still do. See my friend had been having a hard time in the relationship department and he really need her and she deserved someone better than me so who am I to stand in the way of their happiness? It was then that I decided to detach myself from my emotions because honestly closing that door was easier then leaving it open and dealing with the pain. Ever since than I've been an emotionally cripple so to speak. Part of me is okay with this, the other part hates it because I use to be so in-tap with my emotions but now I'm not and that's really weird for me it's made me in to a completely different person. I guess I'm just waiting for a girl that gives me a reason to open myself up again. I just fear that I'll never find her.
Day one in Logan, I managed to keep it together for the whole day with only a little thoughts on the past life I left behind me.(Thank god for weed.) It wasn't until the night that it all really hit me hard. I'm not afraid to admit I cried because shit, it was a lot to handle and I've never been good at dealing with my emotions anyways I always felt to strong I guess you could say. I never let my parents know tho because I couldn't they were trying their best to make this as easy as possible on me and well the last thing they need was me being miserable around them. So, as always I put on a smile and tried my best to act 'happy'. The only time I let it show was at night, alone in my room. Then their was the problem of not knowing anyone and since school wasn't in session I had about two weeks of isolation. To help cope with my pain and thoughts I ran regularly, sometimes for hours on end. I'd run and work my muscles until I literally couldn't move afterward my body would hurt so much. It was only then that my mind was truly at peace because well I was to focused on the pain.
Then after the second week of being here the event I knew was coming, arrived. The girl I loved left me, I can't blame her for it because well it was inevitable, long distant doesn't work. It wasn't until she started dating my best friend did I really get emotionally fucked up. Once again I couldn't blame either of them, for I knew they liked each other and I wanted them to be happy because I loved them both and I still do. See my friend had been having a hard time in the relationship department and he really need her and she deserved someone better than me so who am I to stand in the way of their happiness? It was then that I decided to detach myself from my emotions because honestly closing that door was easier then leaving it open and dealing with the pain. Ever since than I've been an emotionally cripple so to speak. Part of me is okay with this, the other part hates it because I use to be so in-tap with my emotions but now I'm not and that's really weird for me it's made me in to a completely different person. I guess I'm just waiting for a girl that gives me a reason to open myself up again. I just fear that I'll never find her.
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